Enough
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In high school I worked two jobs, took AP/Honors classes, played sports until I had shoulder surgery even then I spent my after school time learning from our athletic trainer. When I was studying for my Bachelors at Colorado State I had a work from home job with a family friends business, two on campus jobs, I was taking 18 credit hours, and attended every social event I could. After I graduated I moved to Arizona in July was unemployed for a couple weeks, then started working as a personal assistant before I started my full time position in September of 2019. As soon as my 90 days hit I started my Masters program, stayed working full time, working as the assistant, PLUS worked in retail until COVID limited that option, stayed in the gym or at least being active, and still kept a social calendar as best I could with what was going on in the world.
I tell you this because if there is something that I don’t lack, it is motivation to do things.
The past few years - I have kept progressing at work. I have moved from Phoenix to Miami to New York to Houston to New York. I work out, I started this blog, I started an Etsy shop, I visit my friends. I do all these things but why does it feel like I am not doing enough? Why do I feel like I should be doing more?
Every morning I wake up - make my breakfast, make my coffee, do my mat Pilates, do my work, talk to my friends, talk to my family, sometimes I will make my family dinner, research topics to write about, work on designs - my days are full of at least one thing that “fills my cup”. I don’t spend my time on social media comparing my life to others because we all know everything you see is skewed. So even though my days are full of things I enjoy and I don’t compare myself to others, why do I feel like I am not doing enough?
I haven’t felt like this before and I can only think of one reason why. It is because I don’t know what is next.
You see, I always had a plan, a checklist of life. I have literally checked off all things that are within my control. Everything else on my checklist will come with time and traditionally dependance on another person. Spending time in Europe (coming soon), getting ‘married’ (we can talk about my thoughts on legal marriage later), having a child, so on so forth.
Before my last relationship ended his mom actually gave me some really great advice. It was to calm down and live in the now. I am 26, freshly 26, and living a beautiful life. Who knows what’s next? Who cares what’s next? Is everything going as I pictured it? Hell no, but it is still going and like I said in my last post sometimes feeling stagnant is what you should be feeling to be able to take the next steps forward.
I won’t live here in New York forever, I don’t anticipate even being here until the end of the year but me trying to rush things and me putting unnecessary pressure on myself to “do more” is not making me feel better at all. Instead I will enjoy not just the big moments but also the little moments in which I am living and I encourage you to do the same.
xoxx,
B
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