Broken Cycles
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Do you ever find yourself in the same place as you were the year before or maybe even year after year?
I am currently struggling with the thought that I have made my way back to the starting point I was at in June 2022.
Let’s rewind to that point in time, June ‘22. I had just moved to my parent’s house in New York from living on my own in Miami. I wanted out of Miami due to my own mental and emotional neglect that was impacting my day-to-day life and the direction of my life.
My life what it looked like from the outside was amazing - a gorgeous place downtown, a promotion at work, finishing my Master’s degree, dating men with lots of money, super nice dinners, balconies with views, yachts, clubs, trips, shopping, etc. But with all of that, it was so incredibly unfulfilling. I neglected how I was feeling because of how I “should” have been feeling which from what people were telling me is “everyone wants that lifestyle” and “you’re living the dream”. But I was miserable, aside from my morning walks near the bay, progressing at work, and achieving a graduate degree, what else made me happy?? The men I was dating, maybe 2/10 dates I went on I could actually have a genuine conversation with which isn’t fulfilling for me. The yachts and clubs, sure I had a blast, but I was just another girl to make the party seem lit. I took the trips out of Miami to see if maybe a guy in a different city was a better fit…didn’t work.
And don’t get me wrong I am incredibly grateful to have been able to experience this in my mid-twenties and have these stories but I do think it was hindering me in the progression towards my overall goal. SO with that being said I had to leave Miami for a little bit - at least until I am emotionally and mentally ready to go back.
Moving to New York was a complete 180 - my parent’s house is 1.5 hours from NYC so everything that was accessible to me in Phoenix, Miami, SHIT even in FORT COLLINS, CO - is not readily available to me. I told myself when I moved up here that I was going to work on my mental and emotional well-being and I did. I can confidently say that I am in a 100% better mental space than I was in Miami. And this isn’t just because what was accessible to me wasn’t anymore because trust if I wanted to go to the city and get into things - it is nothing but a train ride or taking one of our cars and going lol but I don’t want that lifestyle. I took the time to really get to know what I was feeling, where my feelings were coming from, what I value in life, what I want my future to look like, etc. I also was in a long-distance relationship starting, in my eyes, September 2022 cause that was when I personally stopped entertaining the thoughts of being with someone else. I bring that up because I do think that played a part with me working on myself cause all I focused on was work, my health, and him. And again it wasn’t for lack of accessibility of men - DMs were still coming my way but I had enough respect for myself and my relationship to ignore them and be happy in what I was committed to because it was a progression towards my overall life goal.
Before I talk about the present I want to talk about what I envisioned for myself after being at my parents. I planned on moving to Dallas, I found an apartment near the arena that I was in love with and made a plan to move there in January 2023. Obviously, I was happy to change those plans in regard to my relationship which I ended up doing and moved to Houston in April. No regrets about doing that, just a couple of lessons learned.
Now let’s get into June 2023 - the relationship didn’t work out, no big deal, life happens. I had a decision to make, 1. stay in Houston and move into an apartment in the same complex (I really loved that complex). 2. Leave Houston and go to Dallas, would that make sense right? it’s where I wanted to initially be but I unfortunately was not thinking straight and felt the need to get out of the apartment ASAP or option 3. Just go back home and start at square one.
I hate moving backward. and when I came home I felt like I had just taken the biggest step backward ever.
So I left, I just spent 2.5 weeks in Vegas to escape the feeling that I had gone backward. yes, I understand this is a luxury but I work remotely, and have a gracious friend so spare me. When I was there I had time to myself after I finished working since Kyra was working and when she was home we had a lot of really good conversations. After all the thinking and talking I came to the consensus that I may physically be back where I was in June 2022 but overall I am so so much better than what I was.
I am a softer person, I am kinder-hearted, clearer-minded, and physically healthier. I am so incredibly proud of the progression I have made with myself and I am so excited to see where I will be in June 2024 because I know it is going to be amazing.
If you find yourself feeling like you are stagnant or you have had a setback try to think of just one way you have grown and the million more ways you have to look forward to growing.
xoxx,
B
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