Throw Away
scroll to the bottom for the audio version.
On April 3rd of 2023, I moved my life from New York to Houston, Texas.
On June 16th of 2023, I moved my life back to New York.
The 74 days between those dates taught me an overwhelming amount about the expectations I have of my significant other, my boundaries, my own anxiety, my trust issues, my intuition, his areas of growth, and what caring for someone truly looks like.
If you haven’t already made the assumption that my relationship - the reason I moved to Houston - was over, I will make it clear now that it is.
As we were ending things the rose-colored lens I had on came off, I saw what I needed to see instead of continuing to see the potential I always saw and still do see in him. But unfortunately potential can only take us so far. Nobody can push someone to do something they aren’t ready for.
And it sucks.
Of course, it does. I truly thought I had a future with someone and it blew up in my face. I put my whole entire heart into something and someone only to have it not matter. That is so embarrassing.
With that said even though this is embarrassing, disappointing, and a little sad - I am going to focus on things that came out of this and that will come out of this.
He left on Thursday, June 15th, I packed all my belongings, rented a Tahoe, drove 24 hours straight to New York, and got home on June 17th, at 10:30 pm.
I didn’t do it alone though, which is what I want to talk about.
At 4 am Central time on Thursday, I called Austin sobbing and he answered talked to me, and reassured me that life isn’t over. At 5 am Central Time on Thursday, I called Aaron (who by the way lives in SOUTH KOREA) sobbing and he answered and encouraged me to look on the bright side of things.
Later in the day, I called my boss to let her know I will be changing my WFH location, again. She offered to fly to Texas to help me move, she asked me if I wanted to move in with her in AZ even if it was just for a moment. Elenoa and I have been exchanging voice memos sorting out how I feel even though she has a million other things going on. Mary and I Facetimed for hours to talk about how I was feeling and what happened. My parents with no hesitation opened their home again to me. Zane and I got on Facetime and he booked a flight immediately to come to Houston Friday to make the drive with me. And this was all just within the first 12 hours.
Friday was the more physically difficult day - when I moved from New York I weighed 142, leaving Texas I weigh 120. Lifting the boxes and moving them to fit in the rental was something I was not going to be able to do. I had to call people. I called Keenon and he had to work but said as soon as he was done he would help me. I needed help a little sooner than he was able to so I called another friend. I hadn’t talked to Jace since August 2021 and didn't even tell him I moved to Houston out of respect for my relationship. But when I called him and he was there 4 hours later to help lift the boxes I packed into the rental. He sat and talked with me about what happened and genuinely cared about how I was feeling. Zane landed at 5:30 pm, got to the apartment at 6:30, got food, and was on the road by 7 pm Friday night.
I’ll be honest - I have a hard time asking for help, all of my moves before this sudden one, I did on my own. Shit, even the one to Houston. I order the U-Haul, I helped the task rabbit guy get my boxes from the drop-off facility, I carried the furniture I ordered from the first floor to the apartment, and I put it together. That was all me.
But, I couldn’t do this one alone. And I am incredibly grateful to have people in my life that are willing to drop what they are doing to help me. I am so thankful I have a LONG list of people I can call that are willing to listen to how I feel instead of telling me to “get to the point”. I am also immensely thankful that I have people who are holding me accountable and putting things into perspective - I called Austin because I knew he would give me the space to feel how I was feeling but at the end of the day he is going to call me out on things and that is what I need - I can do the rest of the work.
I am so overwhelmed with the love I am surrounded by. Especially after thinking that I was unlovable.
Now what does this mean for me and my future? I was going to stay in Houston instead of moving back home but honestly, I think I would've been miserable. I didn’t want to move to Houston in the first place and I moved there for him.
I am giving myself time to come back to a safe space away from distractions and realign what I want. I know I am going to have support and love which is all I need. I talked to my dad last night about my tentative plan and I am very excited to see what comes from this.
Everything is going to work out how it should be and eventually a new normal will come and this will be a little fun story to have told about the first time I moved in with a significant other.
Before I end this I just want to say, thank you. Thank you to everyone involved, truly can’t do this without you.
xoxx,
B
If you want to hear this in a sort of podcast format please click play below.