The Bench
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The bench, a roster, starting five…dating. That is what dating is, a basketball analogy. Sports analogy have to be the corniest thing but it is what it is, this is what we have.
I was on the phone with a friend and we were talking about dating. He was telling me as story about how he was talking to this lady and she went from calling him at like 7am every morning because that was ‘the only time she had available to chat’. So he started being available at 7am to accommodate for that, he thought to himself “this is good, she is taking the only time she has out of her day to talk to me.” and then slowly it stopped happening. He said “once I saw that she was falling off - i’m gone, she’s blocked. I know she is giving that time to someone else”.
I have two thoughts after he said that:
My first thought was you have no idea if she is giving that time to someone else, you should have a conversation with her about what you are feeling.
My second thought was, respect to him for cold cutting things. because more than likely, yeah she is talking to someone else.
For him to completely take a step away, not keeping her ‘on the bench’ is admirable and I think pretty rare. I think it should happen more, I am personally tired of the bench.
The more I thought about it the more I want to implement having no bench in my dating life.
I think a lot of people, myself included, have a bad habit of keeping people around, keeping a bench. The habit of allowing people who shouldn’t have access to us, have access. Access in a sense of they can call me and I will answer or they can text and I will respond.
I am not doing it anymore. Once I have to question “I wonder if he likes me?” or “Why hasn’t he been talking to me?”, he is done. Those two questions while dating shouldn’t ever come across someones mind if genuine interest in you is being shown. We can’t waste time on people who make us ask ourselves those questions when we need to get to the actual hard hitting questions of “do I like them?”, “can I see a future with them?”, “do I feel like I can be myself when I am around them?”.
Now, I know this cold cut off is really difficult to do. Especially when you do ask yourself those questions of “do I like them?” and the answer is yes. Or when you do truly feel like you can comfortably be yourself around them.
I want to provide some guidance. Full disclosure I am not sure if this is even the healthy way to go about things but it is what I am going to be doing. Take the advice as you may, we can learn together.
I personally don’t like the cold cut off. The only time I participate in that is if the other person involved knows exactly what they did wrong because expectations were clearly talked about. I do think someone should have the opportunity to come correct because they could not even realize you feel some type of way.
The first and really the only step is to COMMUNICATE, yes communicate. Be vulnerable. Lay it all out there: this is how I feel, this is what I expect from you, are we able to work together to achieve xyz. You can do this in person, via text, over a phone call, damn email if you have a man in the Navy and their ship doesn’t have Starlink wifi yet. Idk your life.
Here is an example and this is an example confronting poor communication at the start of dating. If you need a script because new things can be scary especially when it comes to setting boundaries and being open:
“hi, I am feeling a bit confused by your irregular communication. Based on our conversation I was under the impression we were wanting to get to know one another. In my experience getting to know someone requires consistent communication. We don’t have to text all day but I would like to hear from you each day of the week, without having to be the person always initiating conversation. Is that something you think is possible for us to work on?”
This is uncomfortable because it seems so formal but it is clear concise. so boom, if they respond saying anything along the lines of “yeah” and then they disappear for a day, LEAVE. Do the cold cut off, because what the hell did we just talk about???? If they say “no, I don’t do small talk”, weird, leave. Did I say we need to have small talk?? Additionally, do you not think you and your forever person are going to have the small talk type conversations after 30 years of being together?? you should probably learn how to do small talk.
Let us think optimistically, say they respond in a healthy and caring way. They actually acknowledge your feelings and needs, then make the proper changes. Y’all progress in your relationship, get married, have some cute healthy babies. love that for you <3
That example you can use for really anything you’re wanting to change, the major point of it is to just be clear in what you are wanting to change.
Having these conversations will allow you to make a clear cut, no lingering ‘what ifs’ and I think that is where the bench stems from, “what if?”. At the start of this entry I talked about me not wanting a bench, I don’t. The bench is cleared - that concept is out. Take it from me, when has keeping someone around just for the sake of “maybe time will change things” ever proven to have worked in your favor??
Not worth the heartache babes. If they aren’t able to give you want you are wanting to begin with, I can hand you the scissors and tissues.
xoxx,
B
If you want to hear this in a sort of podcast format please click play below.