Friendship
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Before you continue, please know that this blog post mentions SA. If you or someone you know has experienced SA and needs support, please visit RAINN.
When I moved to Arizona in 2019, I moved with a roommate I had at CSU. We moved into her mom's house, and everything was fine until her mom kicked us out - and I am not going to get into the story behind that right now; I might never get into it, but I do want to talk about what her mom said to me via text the days after.
I found a lot of what she said incredibly hurtful, and at the moment, those hurtful things discredited everything else she was saying. But one thing that has been on my mind recently was her saying something along the lines of “Those boys are not your friend; they are only after one thing. They wouldn’t be there for you if you really needed it.”
When she said that, for context, she was referring to the men in the stories her daughter told her of my dating history. Mostly, my dating history with athletes (which feeds into the something to offer part later on). I am at fault, I shared from time to time because I thought it was a safe space to do so.
The reason why what she said is on my mind is because, for a while now, I have been evaluating my friendships with the men in my life. More specifically, the heterosexual men in my life. It started after my ex and I ended our relationship; I focused heavily on my friendships. I had gone on a trip, and on that trip, I had been sexually assaulted by someone I had considered a close friend, and who knew I didn’t think of them as anything more than a friend. I truly think I am a good judge of character, and since that night, I have been battling with myself when it comes to the relationships I have allowed in my life. I started to question a lot of things — things about myself, things about friendship, things about men, things about my future, things about intimacy. So, to cope with all of these big thoughts, I have broadened the scope to not just focus on myself and my situation.
In doing that, I looked at the societal happenings within heterosexual ‘friendships’. I have never been one of those people who thinks men and women can’t be friends - because I have close friendships with men. But I am one of those people who thinks if someone has underlying feelings of any kind in a heterosexual friendship, eventually, the motive behind being in that friendship comes to light.
To speak VERY surface level, VERY general, and VERY much from my perspective:
Some men want to be friends with women for sex
Some women want to be friends with men for what they can get
For example, in my situation, the intention after the fact was clear. Do I think, on some level, he cared for me as a friend? Sure, but the underlying motive was sleeping with me.
Now, on the other hand, I know a lot of guys who have a lot to offer - money, status, fun activities, free things, the list goes on and on. I see women use these guys all the time. They say, “Oh yeah, my friend XYZ has a boat we can go on Saturday,” or “Yeah, my friend XYZ knows 123 and says we can get ABC on Saturday night”. Do I think these women really consider that man someone they really care about the way you care for a friend? Maybe, but even if they do care about the man, they care more about what the man can do for them.
Now, I don’t want this to turn into, “Well, she and I slept together before, and now we are friends, so it is okay if I try to get her to sleep with me again.” That's not how that works; you still need to have a conversation about physical intimacy within your friendship. Or from the woman’s example, “Well, Baylee, I am just networking; I’m not using men” because I think it is great to make connections - I have connections with people all over the world but I check in on them, I share my wins with them, I celebrate their wins, they know I am here for them if they experience a loss and if I have happened to sleep with a friend, I have had conversations about what being intimate with them means within our friendship. THAT is a true close friendship it’s not being there when she has a couple of drinks and you think you’re going to get lucky or coming around when you know he has something fun planned.
According to Penn State there are four levels of friendship. Acquaintances, casual friendships, close friendships, and intimate friendships.
I have observed that people are mixing up acquaintances and casual friendships with close and intimate friendships. Most people are not your close friends; they are your fairweather friends, otherwise known as acquaintances and casual friends.
I share all of this because I had to learn things the hard way, and my situation is an extreme case. But I want to shed light on your relationships and encourage you to start to think about your connections with people of the opposite sex and why you are connected with them. I think having friends of the opposite sex is beneficial in so many ways when it is reciprocated at the appropriate level. Friendship isn’t about the requirement to text or call every day in a close or intimate friendship. I don't even think you need to be with one another in person every year, but it’s more about yours and their intentions within your relationship and what you are around for.
xoxx,
B
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