Embracing Imperfection.
scroll down to the bottom for the audio version
From September 2016 until November 2022, I was single. And if you’re reading this and thinking “no, we were together” or “no, I swear I saw her with someone” – no ya didn’t. That was a personal development situationship for both of us lol.
All jokes aside, I was single – nobody romantically cared about me how, in my opinion, you care for someone while you are exclusive and building a future. And vice versa, I wasn’t giving the guy(s) in my life the care I would give to my man.
Now let us get to the point of this entry. I always hear these statements: “Nobody will love you unless you love yourself first.” and similarly “You need to love yourself before you’re able to love someone else.”
I want to dissect these blanket statements. I apply this to romantic relationships, but this really can be applied to any relationship you have.
Every time I read those statements, I process them as “I am supposed to outwardly love myself, flaws and all or nobody will love me” or for the ladder statement “if I don’t love myself, I won’t have the capacity to love someone else.” This is just not true.
When people say this, they could be telling someone who could possibly struggle with confidence and self-love that they will never be loved until they do it themselves. Or speaking to someone who has not had a sound support system so far in their life or to someone who has a difficult time being vulnerable.
That is not a good look.
I don’t know about you, but I personally do not exude self-love every second of every day – I think that is incredibly unrealistic to expect that from someone. I have days (lowkey months) where I literally can’t stand the way my hair is, the way I dress, the way I handle certain situations, and so on and so forth. In those moments, I am not kind to myself. This is not to say I am not confident; I am a confident gal but sometimes I am just fed up with myself. And in these moments, I reach out to my closest people to vent AND THEY STILL LOVE ME AND STILL SUPPORT ME. If I want to change things, they back me up and give me advice. And the same goes for them when they aren’t loving themselves – I am there for them in the same capacity, because I love them and have made the space to be there for them.
Additionally, it took me YEARS and a handful of friends to help me get to the point where I did love things about myself - this isn’t an overnight awakening, and it especially isn’t a task you can do single-handedly. This is still ongoing - just a couple of months ago Derrick and I were doing that 5,4,3,2,1 tik tok trend and he said the one thing he would change about me is “the way you look at yourself and your qualities.” And I agree with him – I can be very down on myself, buuut he is here; supporting me, encouraging me, and when I may not have the capacity for self-love, he is here to help fill those gaps. And I am incredibly thankful to him for this because it is a choice, he has made to be here with me. I recognize that having this type of relationship with him and also with my best friends is a huge privilege.
So how do we counter this? Two steps, in my opinion. First, we should recognize the issue, when people say “nobody will love you unless you love yourself” or “you need to love yourself before you can love someone” they are making a declarative blanket statement for a large group of individuals. So instead of that, why don’t we hear an individual out and then make the decision if YOU personally want to love them or not?
Secondly, after we decide to not make those statements and hear them out there are two things that follow:
You let that person know that you are unable to be there for them at the capacity they need you to be.
You then recognize that this specific relationship process has two halves. One half is the person receiving the love from another (the person struggling) – the person receiving the love should have the capacity and desire to be vulnerable when they aren’t loving themselves and possibly face rejection or constructive feedback – which is a whole other thing we can go over later. The other half is the person who is giving the love. This person should have the capacity to set boundaries with that other person and be able to decide if this person is the person, to whom they want to give their love. The halves work hand in hand when you have a relationship with someone.
I thought I was going to keep it light and fun - but that has gone out the window!
Even if you don’t love yourself 365 days a year and express your discontent – you will find love in your life and you will also be able to give love. It may involve some rejection, hard truths, patience, vulnerability, and some bounce back – let my 2016-2022 stories be a testament to that.
A final word to leave you with is that we are constantly growing, and constantly changing, we are not perfect and if you are someone in my life, I don’t expect you to be, but I do expect you to own those imperfections, involve me in those moments of discontent when you’re ready to, and continue to grow in life. I hope you can take this with you in your relationships with others and with yourself.
xoxx,
B
If you want to hear this in a sort of podcast format please feel free to click play below.