Worth it?
scroll down to the bottom for the audio version
Growing up my parents always told me “whatever makes you happy, makes us happy.” Now, of course, this practice is not realistic for all scenarios. Some things that have made me very happy, have made them very upset. One being me making the decision to start down my life path against their wishes.
I knew from about the time I was in middle school touring the University of Arizona’s campus for a science field trip that I wanted to get a traditional education after high school. I loved the energy a college campus brought.
Nobody in my family had ever attended a four-year school and so when I brought this up to my parents they didn’t have much to say other than “let us wait and see”. When I got closer to the part of high school where you’re taking the SAT/ACT, you’re gathering letters of recommendation, going on campus tours, submitting applications, etc. my parents weren't really present. And it isn’t because they didn’t care - I just don’t think they knew how to do those things.
My dad was living in Pennsylvania for work, while my mom was taking care of us kids in Colorado. I remember being so excited about applying at SDSU, CU Boulder, ASU, U of A, and CSU then my parents telling me “I don’t think it is the best idea for you to go, you should move to Maryland with us, and go to a community college until you know exactly what you want to do”. I was incredibly frustrated because I did know what I wanted (to be a sports nutritionist - that quickly changed after I took Life 101) but at that moment I had a vision and they didn’t see it. So from that point on I decided to cut them out of the equation and didn’t let them know until I was admitted to the school I wanted and was confident in the plan I made to get there.
Toward the end of my senior year, I got an admission letter to CSU - Fort Collins. I shared with them that I was admitted, I was going to accept my admission, and stay in Colorado when they planned to make their move to Maryland in May. My mom was not thrilled lol but in all honesty, I didn’t care at all. I was going to stay in Colorado, live with my boyfriend at the time family from May-August, and then start my life.
That is exactly what I did.
Looking back on it - that was very wild of me. I could’ve easily just moved to Maryland, gone to the community college, and transferred to UM or another school in the DMV. I think there are four main reasons why I decided to stay.
I had a teacher my senior year and she told me “Baylee with the way you skip class in high school there is no way you will make it through your first semester in college successfully”. I felt the need to prove her wrong. Not only did I have her doubting me but then my parents telling me to do something different than what I wanted??? Yeah, I was for sure going to do what I wanted to do.
I had a vision for my life and that did not include community college and then transferring. Not that there is anything wrong with it, because there isn’t at all, but it was not what I wanted for me! I wanted the full four-year experience.
As much as I hate to admit this as a reason to stay where I did but I have to be honest with myself and y’all - I had a boyfriend. I am a lover girl at heart, what can I say. At that point, we had been together for two years and I didn’t see it ending any time soon (we broke up two months after I started my fall semester LOL got back together then broke up a year later LOLx2) I was not going to give up the chance to have ‘true love’ when I could just stay there?
In-state tuition for CSU was the maaaajor reason I chose going there over other schools previously mentioned. I knew schooling costs were going to be up to me so I needed to be smart about that.
So, when it was time for me to make the move up to Fort Collins - my parents weren’t there - they left in May and continued their lives in Maryland. My boyfriends mom moved me in, got me all set up, and then I was alone. And it broke my heart. My roommate had her parents drive her from WASHINGTON STATE to move her in, WASHINGTON STATE - do you know how far that is from Fort Collins, Colorado?? I held so much resentment towards my own parents for so long that they weren’t there during such a monumental moment.
I had so many questions for them, why did it feel like they didn’t support me? Did they not believe in me? Was I unloved or shunned by the family for standing stone in what I wanted to do? Eventually, after graduation we had many long conversations. I got these questions answered - they do love me, they are proud of me, and I am not shunned. But sometimes I imagine a world where that wasn’t the case and that would, of course, be sad but I would have to sit with myself and ask “Was it worth it?” Was leaving home with no support from my family worth it? Was starting something nobody in my family ever did before worth it? Was going to a specific school because of a boy worth it? Was putting myself in debt worth it? Was being on the other side of the country from my family worth it?
The answer would be yes, 100%. It is worth it - doing what YOU want to do is always going to be worth it because one of two things will happen.
You will succeed
A lesson will be learned
You will succeed after many lessons learned - as long as you use those lessons for progression. Although I didn’t have my families support I found support within my community. Even though my high school boyfriend and I didn’t work out I have still found love later on in life. Even though I have student loan debt, i’m still living life to its fullest. Living away from my family taught me how to be on my own and live independently as an adult.
Sitting here as a 25-year-old thinking back to my 17-year-old self - I am proud of her. She weighed her options and did what was best for her at that time - which is all we can do as humans. As an adult I now get to factor in how my decision of doing what I want to do will impact the others in my life but I am a firm believer that the people, places, jobs, etc. in your life that are meant to be there will pivot when you pivot and support you through it.
All that to say for the next time you are faced with a decision of “Should I do what do I want to do” I want you to ask yourself if it is going to be worth it in the end - spoiler alert - it more than likely will be.
xoxx,
B
If you want to hear this in a sort of podcast format please feel free to click play below.